Guest Recipe : Andrew’s chorizo stew.

I’m going to be including a guest spot here in the blog, and here is the first submission. If anyone else is interested in submitting then please get in touch. But without further ado, i give you Andrew’s chorizo stew.

Andy’s Chorizo stew with lentils

Ciao, I’m Daniels friend, we have been friends for a long time maybe something like seven years or eight, that’s not as long as he has been friends with other people like Mark or his brother Matt but I still think it’s long enough to be classed as old friends, although we weren’t that close whilst we were doing our degrees because we lived so far apart and I just couldn’t be fucked to visit him on the train, because he would always say the same old shit over and over and I preferred hanging out with my girlfriend. But we are mates again now so relax. Here is one of the top ten Chorizo stew recipes I have made up this year, its v easy, about as easy going up the stairs or looking at a notice board. Also it’s great for sharing with friends, like on the Doritos adverts or just having all to yourself like on the magnum adverts or for having in an awkward date scenario with just man and woman like on the tampons adverts.

To cook it you will need these things:
Four shallots or five (if you can’t get any do a red onion and a half, or a white onion and a half)
1 Red pepper
1 Green chilli (YOU COULD ALWAYS SWAP THE COLOURS OF THE PEPPER AND CHILI AROUND FOR A LUAGH IF YOU LIKE, IF YOU ARE GETTING BORED WITH YOUR LIFE OR IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD THE SPECIFIC COLOURS IN THE RECIPE)
HALF A good CHORIZO OR WHATEVER A WHOLE ONE IF YOU LIKE
250g of red split lentils but maybe slightly less (don’t worry about soaking them, they’ll soak while they stew)
A whole pan of chicken stock
A variety of 5 or 7 tomatoes (if you can get the sorts that are all deformed and green as well as some red it would be good, like on Jamie Oliver, if you just have normal tomatoes I’d say it’s a shame but don’t be so pretentious, you could even just do a tin of tomatoes if you want guys, so just chill out)
Three cloves of garlic
A heap of parsley about as big as a fist or cats head
Half a lemon
Some baby oil

IF YOU ARE A GIRL PLEASE START AT SECTION 1.
IF YOU ARE A GUY PLEASE GO STRAIGHT TO PART 3.

1. Strip off all of your sexy clothes, gym slips, slinky knickers, plimsolls, skirts that are too short, wonder bras, knicker bockers, nylons, lippy, stilt shoes, tight leather leggins, golden hotpants, etc…..in a slow and erotic way, maybe put on some music, some sexy music, like pan pipes.
2. Rub the baby oil all over your nude body, getting it everywhere, all over the boobs, behind the knees, private parts, shin, middle of spine etc…but not the eyes please, you’ll need these to be clean for checking the stew with, and weighing out the lentils.
3. Cut the chorizo into coins, fry in a small amount of olive oil in a big deep pan or stew pot, once the chorizo has produced all of its oily juices then…
4. Chuck in the shallots, cut up roughly, sweat them until they are transparent.
5. Cut up and add the chili and pepper and garlic, fry a little and then add the tomatoes, cut them up first and make sure you keep all the juices as well in there, it should smell delicious at the moment and your family or friends should be making comments about how brilliant you are and you should feel like Monica from Friends in the episode where she does cookery classes even though she is already a pro just so she can belittle amateurs and be praised by the cookery tutor.
6. Once this looks like a nice sludge of oil and colors and textures you might want to think about filling the pot up with the stock, but grind some pepper in there for seasoning, no salt though please.
7. Fill the pot up with stock/
8. Put all the lentils in it and bring to the boil
9. After that it will need to be stewed, this means you can just stir it every ten minutes for the next two or three hours on a low heat, if it gets to thick and dry just add more water.
10. Girls you might want to think about re applying baby oil now to your naked body.
11. OH WOW IT’S DONE NOW IT’S BEEN TWO AND A HALF HOURS AND THE TEXTURE IS LIKE A STEWY PORRIDGE TEXTURE BRILLIANT!
12. Squeeze in half a lemon and put in all of the parsley chopped.
13. I like to just have it in a bowl (if it’s a rustic looking bowl it works best, but any type of bowl will do) with a lovely loaf of bread and butter but you can do what you like, for example maybe put it in a potato on a plate bye
14. Oh here is a picture underneath, I have served it in a traditional rustic bowl used by Spanish shepherds in the old days
15. Also Daniel if you have anything to add please add it here:

i have nothing to add.