Guest Recipe 2 : Toad in the hole but better than it.

Hi. No one I know wanted to submit anything for the site, so I let Andrew submit another one. Up yours to everyone else, thankyou to Andrew…

Pigs in blankets in holes (toad in hole but better than it)

Hi I am Daniels friend Andy, me and Daniel have only seen one another
twice since my last recipe but I think are still quite good friends,
but not as close as say Ross and Chandler from friends, more like as
close as Gunther and Chandler from friends or Arjen and Emma from the
junior apprentice. As this is my second recipe I will just say a few
things about myself so you can get to know me a little better : my sort
code is 266 102 and my account number is 9237 4389 2476 and my bank is
NatWest in Worthing on Chapel Road. I’ve got another recipe that I
invented but it might already exist, but I didn’t know that when I
thought of it. I Hope you like it, it’s ideal for eating with others
because of its large proportions or just sharing with a life partner.
This time there is slightly more to it and with that in mind I would
say it’s about as difficult as carrying a ladder.

The reason I invented this dish is because I use the right side of my
brain a lot (which is the creative side, the left side is the more
academic practical side and I didn’t use that half when I made this
recipe up.) I would advise that this dish is reserved only for special
occasions for example after you have just won or passed because it’s
probably a total brick shithouse of fat and in turn v unhealthy, which
as you know is bad for the ongoing struggle to become a healthier
Britain. With this in mind I have tried to include some aerobic
movements and fitness manoeuvres throughout the recipe to combat the
problem.

To cook I want you to have:

3 big eggs
300ml of cows milk
130g’s of plain flour
6 slices of Parma ham (or you can use streaky bacon if you aren’t
feeling that majestic, if i’m honest streaky bacon is probably better
actually now i think about it)
12 chipolata sausages but if i’m honest you can use whichever sausages
you like really, and it doesn’t even have to be 12 either it could
quite easily be 8 or 7
Some Colman’s mustard]
Some salt and pep
A kitchen

!1. PUT in 3 big eggs the milk and the flour and whisk hard to make
batter, this whisking is as good as doing forty rounds on a peck deck
and it is rumoured that this whisking is good to improve the size of
your lats, quads, obliques and tries and that this is the main secret
of how Ricky Hatton got into shape when he fought against Floyd.

2. Add the salt and pep, add a teaspoon of mustard, whisk hard, girls
this whisking is good for your cellulite and fat deposits, and is no
different from going to bums and tums, it is rumoured that this is
another one of the main secrets of how Ricky Hatton got rid of his
cellulite and fat deposits for his big fight against Floyd.

3. Put the batter to one side.

4. Cook your sausages, browning them a bit. When they look two thirds
done just pop them on the work top and leave to cool, do ten squats and
then keep all the sausage fat because you can smear it all over your
cooking dish a bit later so the batter doesn’t stick.

5. wrap your sausages in the Parma ham, tearing each one in half so
that we can make ends meet with the quantities, pop these LOVELY
specimens in the oven for only about ten to five minutes at 220 so that
the ham can get a little crisp and become less of a membrane and more
of a crust, if you are doing it with bacon then maybe a bit longer you
know?

6. Once that has happened grease up your dish and pour in the batter
and then try to arrange the sausages willy-nilly and higgledy-piggeldy
so it looks like you have struggled a bit with cooking so that when
your mum sees the dish she will think you are sweet. When she says this
tell her her hair looks nice and hug. She will give you some money

(this technique can also work with girlfriend or with a girl whom you
are wooing, although this might be a lie because I have never tried
this variation, but I think it may work, but I don’t really understand
women, but I’m pretty sure they like gestures and eating, so I would
offer a 92% guarantee of success)

7. FAB 25 MINUTES HAVE PASSED SINCE YOU PUT IN THE DISH AT 220 IN THE
OVEN AND YOU HAVE JUST DONE SEVEN CHIN UPS, SO TAKE IT OUT AND LOOK AT
IT. IS IT PUFFY? DOES IT LOOK NICE? WHAT COLOUR IS IT? IS IT BURNT?
WHY? BUT IS IT STILL EDIBLE? DOES IT LOOK LIKE NORMAL TOAD IN THE HOLE
BUT SLIGHTLY BETTER BECAUSE OF THE ADDITION OF THE HAM OR BACON? Ask
yourself these questions and make your own conclusions.

8. Whilst its cooling you might like to know that the origin of the
name “Toad-in-the-Hole” is often disputed. Many suggestions are that
the dish’s resemblance to a toad sticking its little head out of a hole
provide the dish with its somewhat unusual name. I prefer to imagine it
the other way around though where someone has actually wedged a toad
into a hole, any hole will do, my favourite holes to imagine a toad a
wedged into are, key holes, man holes and arse holes.

9. Do ten sprints in the hall, or five up and down the stairs
remembering to be careful on the way down.

10. Serve your food up, I would do it with some potatoes and some green
beans, but you could use mashed potatoes and peas, or sweet corn but
definitely do have gravy please.I have noticed on cookery programs
these days that the presentation of a contemporary dish is very
important and often quite daring. With this in mind I usually serve my
toad in the hole on The Bourne Supremacy to give it that extra boost
(it also works just as well on The Born Identity or The Born Ultimatum)
thanks byee

Guest Recipe : Andrew’s chorizo stew.

I’m going to be including a guest spot here in the blog, and here is the first submission. If anyone else is interested in submitting then please get in touch. But without further ado, i give you Andrew’s chorizo stew.

Andy’s Chorizo stew with lentils

Ciao, I’m Daniels friend, we have been friends for a long time maybe something like seven years or eight, that’s not as long as he has been friends with other people like Mark or his brother Matt but I still think it’s long enough to be classed as old friends, although we weren’t that close whilst we were doing our degrees because we lived so far apart and I just couldn’t be fucked to visit him on the train, because he would always say the same old shit over and over and I preferred hanging out with my girlfriend. But we are mates again now so relax. Here is one of the top ten Chorizo stew recipes I have made up this year, its v easy, about as easy going up the stairs or looking at a notice board. Also it’s great for sharing with friends, like on the Doritos adverts or just having all to yourself like on the magnum adverts or for having in an awkward date scenario with just man and woman like on the tampons adverts.

To cook it you will need these things:
Four shallots or five (if you can’t get any do a red onion and a half, or a white onion and a half)
1 Red pepper
1 Green chilli (YOU COULD ALWAYS SWAP THE COLOURS OF THE PEPPER AND CHILI AROUND FOR A LUAGH IF YOU LIKE, IF YOU ARE GETTING BORED WITH YOUR LIFE OR IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD THE SPECIFIC COLOURS IN THE RECIPE)
HALF A good CHORIZO OR WHATEVER A WHOLE ONE IF YOU LIKE
250g of red split lentils but maybe slightly less (don’t worry about soaking them, they’ll soak while they stew)
A whole pan of chicken stock
A variety of 5 or 7 tomatoes (if you can get the sorts that are all deformed and green as well as some red it would be good, like on Jamie Oliver, if you just have normal tomatoes I’d say it’s a shame but don’t be so pretentious, you could even just do a tin of tomatoes if you want guys, so just chill out)
Three cloves of garlic
A heap of parsley about as big as a fist or cats head
Half a lemon
Some baby oil

IF YOU ARE A GIRL PLEASE START AT SECTION 1.
IF YOU ARE A GUY PLEASE GO STRAIGHT TO PART 3.

1. Strip off all of your sexy clothes, gym slips, slinky knickers, plimsolls, skirts that are too short, wonder bras, knicker bockers, nylons, lippy, stilt shoes, tight leather leggins, golden hotpants, etc…..in a slow and erotic way, maybe put on some music, some sexy music, like pan pipes.
2. Rub the baby oil all over your nude body, getting it everywhere, all over the boobs, behind the knees, private parts, shin, middle of spine etc…but not the eyes please, you’ll need these to be clean for checking the stew with, and weighing out the lentils.
3. Cut the chorizo into coins, fry in a small amount of olive oil in a big deep pan or stew pot, once the chorizo has produced all of its oily juices then…
4. Chuck in the shallots, cut up roughly, sweat them until they are transparent.
5. Cut up and add the chili and pepper and garlic, fry a little and then add the tomatoes, cut them up first and make sure you keep all the juices as well in there, it should smell delicious at the moment and your family or friends should be making comments about how brilliant you are and you should feel like Monica from Friends in the episode where she does cookery classes even though she is already a pro just so she can belittle amateurs and be praised by the cookery tutor.
6. Once this looks like a nice sludge of oil and colors and textures you might want to think about filling the pot up with the stock, but grind some pepper in there for seasoning, no salt though please.
7. Fill the pot up with stock/
8. Put all the lentils in it and bring to the boil
9. After that it will need to be stewed, this means you can just stir it every ten minutes for the next two or three hours on a low heat, if it gets to thick and dry just add more water.
10. Girls you might want to think about re applying baby oil now to your naked body.
11. OH WOW IT’S DONE NOW IT’S BEEN TWO AND A HALF HOURS AND THE TEXTURE IS LIKE A STEWY PORRIDGE TEXTURE BRILLIANT!
12. Squeeze in half a lemon and put in all of the parsley chopped.
13. I like to just have it in a bowl (if it’s a rustic looking bowl it works best, but any type of bowl will do) with a lovely loaf of bread and butter but you can do what you like, for example maybe put it in a potato on a plate bye
14. Oh here is a picture underneath, I have served it in a traditional rustic bowl used by Spanish shepherds in the old days
15. Also Daniel if you have anything to add please add it here:

i have nothing to add.